It was just a few weeks ago that I was introduced to the romantic comedy Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Matthew McConaughey plays Connor Mead, who’s essentially this love hating player that just sleeps around and breaks women’s hearts. One quote from the movie before Connor sees the error in his way stood out to me: “Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less.”
I don’t know when it happened to me, but I at some point began to think that I needed to hide my feelings because catching feelings for someone could make me seem weak. If they knew how I felt, they’d have the power to hurt me. I am a bit of a control freak. I hate flying in planes because I cannot control my own destiny. I guess I also looked at dating, getting to know someone, heading towards a possible relationship as flying on a plane. But on this plane, I wasn’t giving anyone any power over the destiny of my heart.
In the last few months, I had a few friends tell me that I just seem to care too much and that I need to approach dating with a zero fucks to give attitude. Sure, this could work when meeting someone for the first time. You don’t have any expectations of how the first encounter may or may not go, and you can’t be hurt or let down. But once you’ve been seeing someone consistently, the zero fucks attitude has to go away.
Anyone who actually knows me knows that I really can’t go all in on this whole idea of not caring. On that same note, I start to feel something, and I get myself all freaked out about what could happen and that I may look like a fool for feeling the way I do. In the end, I lose. It’s my goal to protect myself and keep someone at an arms distance, but the person I am really hurting is myself. And maybe that person too. I could be missing out on some great opportunity or person because I am so afraid of how it may end… but my fears prevent it from ever really having a beginning.
I don’t know how many times I have posted as a status on facebook something along the lines of “without risk, there’s no reward.” I was taking half-assed risks, and the results showed. Today I not only deleted all dating APPs off of my phone, but I also went and deleted every single profile except damn POF. That profile is still hidden because that shitty site makes you fill out some 100-question survey to delete your profile.
So while I am not on any dating sites or APPs, currently I am going to just live and see where life takes me. I want the reward so I need to be willing to take the risks to maybe find it.
And if given a chance again I will be more of my authentic self.