Finally, Breaking My Silence

Hi again!

That was a pretty long break from writing about my dating life, eh? I think today marked six weeks of silence on my part. In case you missed it, I decided back in March to take a hiatus from sharing every little detail of my dating life here. I met someone really awesome at the beginning of March and wanted to enjoy it fully.

But why am I writing now? Well, sadly that guy that I took the hiatus for and I aren’t seeing one another anymore. But before I get into all of that, let’s start from the beginning.

I met the “best cuddler ever” on the Bumble APP, and we seemed to instantly hit it off. I remember going to meet him and thinking he’d never like me in a million years. He was completely different than my usual type in so many ways. He was formerly a lead singer in a band, played the bass and drums, was super tall, into guns and heavy rock music, and into movies I had never watched and never wanted to even try. And that’s just scratching the surface.

He earned his nickname pretty early on. I suppose having extra long arms and being 6’3″ can help your cuddle game be strong. I was pretty giddy over him because he was so different. And besides all of the things that made him different than other guys I had met and dated, he seemed like the farthest thing from a player. The best part, he seemed like he was really into me. After our first date, the next morning he texted me to see if we could see each other that night. The same thing happened the following day.

In the seven weeks we dated, I learned about craft beer, watched the entire Fast & Furious collection minus the new one, and shot multiple types of guns. I learned a lot from BCE.

But perhaps the biggest lesson I learned was in the end.

I can be awkward sometimes. And I think when I am not sure where I stand with someone I get more awkward. Although I did ask a few people, I dated in the past if they found me awkward and they didn’t. So maybe the BCE made me awkward? Or maybe the fear of letting myself and heart go to feel what I was starting to feel was making me awkward?

There are things I want and need out of a relationship, or I guess in this case a fauxlationship. I am old school and like old school conversation on the phone, and we did have that sometimes. But as things progressed we just ended up seeing each other face to face more so the calls weren’t needed. I also like to know where I stand with someone. I am oblivious, Sure, we can be hanging out every single day, but deep down inside I am still wondering what your intentions are for me? Am I just a girl you like to chill with and sleep with? Or am I girlfriend material?

In the end, I started to feel like I wasn’t getting what I needed. At seven weeks in, I had hoped he’d be so excited to be with me that he’d want to shout my name from the tallest buikding. Ok… maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point. It was just over two weeks ago that he was going to look at a house to move into. I met him there to see it too. I remember us walking through the house going room to room. When we got to the master bedroom, he said, “I think there’s enough separation that so and so won’t hear me when I am having crazy monkey sex.” My response, “you could always put a pillow in HER mouth.” And just as quick as I said it he fired back with something along the lines I guess so.

Why did I say that? Because I was throwing that out there in hopes of him correcting me and saying you mean your mouth… He didn’t. I remember driving to his house afterwards in my car and speaking with one of my friends about that, and she said I think you’re reading too much into it. And you shouldn’t have said that. It’s like you were baiting him. Well, I didn’t think he remembered or even gave that comment a second thought, but as I was ending things via drunk text on Friday night, I learned that my statement indicated to him that I wasn’t all that into him.

So maybe I too did the thing I hate the most… sent mixed signals. Maybe my actions and awkwardness were seen as feelings of ambiguity? Believe me, there was nothing ambiguous about how I felt for BCE. I guess I just never told him or anytime I started to talk about it, I chickened out. I wanted to have the define the relationship discussion with him because I wanted him to be my boyfriend as elementary as that sounds. I hadn’t had these feelings or that kind of want in a long, long time.

So it’s done and I guess we will be friends or whatever. I am sad. I didn’t want it to be this way. I also didn’t think I was sending the message that I wasn’t into it. I think that I need to take a break from dating or trying to find a relationship. The whole BCE thing hurts and I need time to process it and think about things before I put myself out there again.

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