Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag

In case you missed my background story and why I am here, I will give you a quick refresher. I was with the same guy for nearly 7 years with a break in there and married to him for just over 3 years.

In the past, we had broken up for almost a year and ended up getting back together. But rest assured, that’s not an option this time. He calls me pretty regularly, and if he’s cordial, I don’t have a problem talking to him. He’s an alcoholic and has really struggled to stay sober. When he drinks, he becomes a crazy person, and there were many occasions where I feared for my safety. I don’t want to ride on that crazy train or wonder if I am going to come into a situation that’s going to be scary.

That’s ultimately what I ended things. Also, I wasn’t 100% innocent either. I started to withdraw from the marriage months earlier. When I would come home, I spent the lion share of my time on my computer doing work, but really just looking for some escape from the lonely place I was with him. No, I didn’t cheat if that’s what you’re thinking. I could have, but I took vows and didn’t go there.

Last night when he called me, I felt it was time to inform him that I was putting myself out there again and doing the whole online dating thing. It went over just as awesome as I thought with him calling me names and attacking me for my past well before I had even met him. It’s that kind of shit that would drive me insane. He always loved to bring up my past and pass judgment on the things I did.

There was a time when I did want to have a kid or two, but I realized the person I married wasn’t reliable enough and I didn’t want to risk having a kid with someone who very well could fall off the wagon and lose his shit again. And the kid conversation came up, and he told me “I am the most self-absorbed person he’s ever met and I would make a terrible mother because I only care about myself.” Gee thanks.

And of course he asked me why I am looking for someone and it’s a fair question. I am sick of being in this lonely purgatory that I’ve been in for the past two or so years. He worked out of town for a year, so I mainly felt single the entire time anyway. When my ex and I first met, it was like nothing I ever experienced before. He planned out dates and surprises for me. He was notorious for leaving me love notes that I would find throughout the week while he was out of town working. He looked at me like I was the only woman on the planet and the chemistry was insane. But with all the stuff that’s happened with his drinking and other activities all of that went down the drain. There are just some things that you cannot come back from and be on the same level.

So why am I dating? Because I want to find that guy who’s going to only want to be with me and get to know me on all levels. The person who knows my past and why I am bit nervous and wants to help dismantle the wall that’s been built up over the years. For the most part during my time online dating, I’ve been “the rule” and I want to be someone’s exception. (That’s a He’s Just Not Into You reference)

I feel like a monkey is off my back. And honestly 100% I swear, I have no ill will towarss my ex. I hope that he gets his shit together and stays sober. I hope he meets someone who could give him all the things I couldn’t or didn’t want to because I was checked out for so long. He deserves to be happy and so do I just not happy together.

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